For anyone who is reading this post, thank you. Thank you for supporting me through this roller coaster journey of mine. It really means a lot to me and I wouldn’t be where I am if it wasn’t for you all! Grab a cup of coffee and get comfortable as this isn’t going to be a short story, although I will try to make it as short as possible.
For the first 6 months of 2015 I was attending TAFE to try and further my knowledge in photography. In the beginning I was really excited and use to love traveling into the city for class but that didn’t last for very long. I began to fall behind which caused me to stress all the time and I actually started to lose any interest I had with photography. Anyone who would try to talk to me about the issue, I saw as a threat, which in turn caused me to push everyone close to me away.
This time last year was when my Father helped me set up this business. Only a few months after, I started doubting myself on whether or not I could actually do it. But because I didn’t talk to anyone about it nobody knew of my struggles. Not only did I struggle with my photography but day to day tasks. I started to get sick more and I was letting my insecurities and the negativity from my past get to me. It was effecting my confidence and I was becoming even more negative with a can’t do attitude.
This next part is extremely difficult to put into words, but it needs to be told. Not only for everyone to understand me, but also as part of my healing moving forward.
For 10 years of our lives my mum, siblings and I had fallen victims of serious domestic violence at the hands of my mum’s husband, our step “father”. I hate using the word “victims” because to me, that means he won. And for the period of time that he was a part of our lives, he did win. We were his victims. But after mum ended her marriage and got us all away from the situation, for the last 6 years we have battled the demons but fought hard to become survivors. We have got control back of our lives. It wasn’t all bad, some of my favorite memories occurred when this person was a part of our lives. However, towards the end, the bad way out weighed the good. That is what has left the physical and emotional scars.
By the end of last year, the people closest to me could tell there was something wrong with me. I was far from my usual bubbly self. After a few serious conversations with my closest family, I decided to go to the doctor. The doctor diagnosed me with having anxiety and depression and from there I was advised to see a therapist, which I did. I can honestly say that having someone to talk to and being able to express myself and everything I felt from past, was such a relief!
It wasn’t until the night of New Years and in the drunken state I was in, I decided then and there that I was going to change my life. I had to let go of what happened in the past because what’s done is done. I can’t change the past, but I can however control my future. Since that night I have and still am changing my life. Day by day I wake up and say something out loud that I loved about myself, instead of always focusing on the negative. I had gotten my energy back and I was focusing on my photography again. I still have days where I don’t want to do anything, all I want to do is just was to lay in bed all day. But compared to how I was 18 months ago, I have come a long way and I am much better person today, than was.
I owe it to everyone who has and continues to love and support me. My photography has grown and changed with it and some of my best work has come from this journey. I look forward to what challenges the future may bring and how my photography will grown with it.
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